Wondering and Wandering

As I struggle to find a path to follow to the Lord, I often wonder where I will end up.

Truthfully, though I spent almost 10 years in the LDS Church, I feel I know little of the Lord or of Christ. I take full responsibility; I could have pursued a knowledge of the Lord and a closer relationship with Him, even in an environment unsupportive of such pursuits.

Last night, I started the New Testament, reading from the beginning through Matthew, Mark and the beginning of Luke. It was very enlightening to read the Bible without the aid of my LDS "beer-goggles." It amazed me to see how the LDS doctrine twists Scripture to meet their view, instead of altering their view to fit Scripture.

Likewise, I'm not sure that my view of Christ accurately represents who He is. It is very disconcerting, reading the Scriptures and realizing I may not know Him...at all.

I desire to have a relationship with and a knowledge of God, it's just how to get there that keeps me up at night. Sometimes I am not even sure I believe in Christ, though I do believe in God. Where does that leave me?...lost.

I find my self drawn to the LDS church, even after all the time which has passed and all I have learned about the church.

It is like a safety net. The only path to God I have known. What if it is the only path in which "I" can follow to come to the Lord?...I'm having a bit of difficulty finding another that fits me, that feels safe. Funny, because the LDS does NOT fit, does NOT feel safe, but it is KNOWN and therefore easy.

Then another more honest part of me wonders if the only reason I am drawn to the LDS religion, is their undying, irrefutable, inarguable belief that they are better than everyone else, that they know more, that only they understand. THAT has always been a good fit for me. ;~)